1. Never reveal the salary!
Keep it hush god damn it. We want to undercut Dave. Tease out his current salary and offer him a patronising, utterly offensively small uplift. Gold star for screwing over Dave
2. Quote - if you don't hear from us within X weeks assume you have been unsuccessful
Can you stop contacting me Dave! Did you not read the advert? If and when I have a positive update I'll contact you, otherwise get back in your box pal. You are so bloody needy
3. Use words like rock star
Yes. 58 year old Dave from Eastbourne who completes crosswords for fun and attends lawn bowls to get away from his wife, wants to be referred to as a rock star. To be honest he prefers Dave
4. Mention 'Flexible working'
It is THE IN THING so pretend to offer it. Dave wants to start and leave early for the grandkids school run. Dave they ain't your kids though? You can start and leave 5 minutes early as per policy but don't take the piss mate
5. Shout about your company culture
This company is the coolest. You will be so happy here. I have nothing to back this claim up, but Dave look at the person smiling in the photo holding a cup of coffee. See she is happy, so you will be happy too