1. Type as loudly as possible
TAP TAP TAPPATY TAP. Sheila from Payroll 250 yards away can't hear you! Type harder damn it!
For the nearly retired we recommend the 'loud & slow' one finger approach. "Darn it Margaret, where is the letter F"
2. Routinely ask lonely single people about their weekend
Get up to anything exciting this weekend?
Just a quiet one. Stayed in with the dog and the wine. Best friend Sheila cancelled again, and my family went on a family holiday without me
3. Bring your baby to work
Look everyone I successfully gave birth. He looks like every other baby that has ever been born but please pass comment on how cute he is and how much he looks like me.
Waaaah! Is little Jimmy disturbing you? I do apologise. We will leave once every female in the office has had a hold
4. Come to work when ill
Oh my lord I'm so ill. You wouldn't want to catch this. I was up all night vomiting and just got off the loo in time to get in.
Cough, splurt, cough, cough
Next day: Is Sheila off ill today? What pity. I'm fine now
5. Always look stressed
I'm so busy
Would you like some help?