Outer Space? Buy more data! - the truth behind GDPR

In another exclusive scoop, Royston Vasey’s “Favourite Local Literature” trophy winners, Tutti Recruitti, managed to get inside the mind and office space of a key member of the EU GDPR leadership team, who was willing to blow the whistle on the shady goings on behind the new regulations.

What they established was hard to believe, but if there were any true lessons to be learned, the Tutti Recruitti team would find them.

“Look, before you start asking stupid questions, it’s not about how you use or store the data at all.” said the burly gentleman abruptly, moments after exchanging introductions.

“You see, setting a deadline is just a diversion really. Everyone is rushing round frantically, cleansing their databases and trying to get permission to keep old data, meanwhile, the EU is gathering all the data it can for itself.”

The team asked why, but they didn’t expect the response they received.

“Well, a clever chap in Switzerland has found a way to truly harness the power of data and convert it into a combustible fuel. Quite marvellous really.” he told us.

“And in a couple of weeks, once they’ve bought and collected all of the data that everyone else is getting rid of, they’ll have enough to launch the first manned test flight into space to be powered only by data.”

Astounded, Tutti Recruitti tried to establish why the EU felt the need to use GDPR as a way to acquire the data that it needed and what it meant for the future of data use.

“It’s simple, the less data that organisations use and store, the more data will be available to the powers that be, which they store on a giant super computer called a Warp Drive.” he said before laughing and taking a sip of his methylated spirits.

“Eventually, they’ll force industry to shift to using data as a new, cleaner power source, by which time the amount of data that anyone holds in real-time will be minimal and there won’t be enough to go around. They’ll have the monopoly.”

Tutti Recruitti was unable to confirm any of his wild claims, if true though, it certainly poses a cause for concern.

To prepare yourself in case, here’s the best advice:

  • Backup as much data as you can on external hard drives before cleansing databases

  • Do not request permission to store from anyone whose data you already have

  • Scrape the web for more data now before the shit hits the data-powered fan

  • Send clients updated terms with so much GDPR jargon that they just sign them to save time

  • Hand post printed emails in person by unaddressed mail (thanks to the Royal Mail employee who contacted us anonymously with the early intel)

  • Establish relationships with data providers outside of the EU

Brought to you by Tutti Recruitti, definitely not misusing your personal data since 2018.