Exciting Tech start-up shuts down after horrifying incident caused by employee’s badger
We all love dugs, doggos, puppers, waggers. Some people even like cats, mice, fish and reptiles. But regardless of what animal you personally choose to treat like a baby human, should they be allowed to join you at your place of work?
To get to the core of the matter, recent recipient of the Daily Record newspaper’s “Fruitiest Blog 2018” accolade, Tutti Recruitti, sent its team of investigators (minus Julie who was recently arrested for her part in plotting a failed mass suicide in Sherwood Forest), to talk to the remaining, yet recently redundant, staff of PetaByte, which closed its doors last week after a horrific incident involving the entire workforce and a co-worker’s pet badger.
“It was absolutely horrible!” said Patricia, close friend and colleague of the victims.
“I still can’t believe it happened and it’s all my fault.” she continued, struggling to keep the tears and whimpering to a minimum.
“My husband bought me a miniature schnauzer for my birthday, and with him working away all the time, I asked our MD if it would be OK to bring Mr Pickles into work with me.”
“He said that if he let me bring my puppy into work then he would have to let everyone bring their pets in too. But he really liked the idea. He wouldn’t allow birds though because of his allergy.”
“A few minutes after our chat an email went out to everyone and you could see it lift the mood immediately.”
“That was the last time I remember what smiling feels like.” Patricia broke down and the interview was terminated.
From the interviews that the Tutti Recruitti team were able to complete and which were actually useful, they managed to piece together a timeline of events for what went down on the fateful morning that followed the announcement.
14th May 2018
8:00am: Office Manager unlocks office, turns off building alarm, puts hamster cage onto desk
8:15am: Four members of staff arrive, two with dogs, one with a cat, one with a budgie (smuggled)
8:20am: The IT team arrive, complete with spiders, lizards and one unconfirmed report of a snow leopard
8:22am: Office Manager finds her hamster missing, cat also nowhere to be seen
8:30am: Workplace full, zoo-like status achieved
8:32am: Security guard, Dave, announces via tannoy that his Russian security badger, Chompski, has slipped his noose
8:33am: Darryl in accounts has all 12 toes removed by Chompski
8:35am: Emergency services called, 6 confirmed deaths, 38 injured, Dave missing
9:00am: Office declared a crime scene, building closed to workers and public
Truly, truly, disturbing events.
If we can ask anything of our readers it’s this: the next time your business is looking at allowing pets in the workplace, it may also be worth suggesting that weapons are allowed as well.
Brought to you by Tutti Recruitti, petting your squirrel since 2018