England Fans: How to get away with not turning up to work tomorrow

1. Cough, cough, sneeze, cough, splutter

I feel a bad cold coming on. I know you have kids Sheila so I really don’t want to pass this onto you

Remember last time I did and you had to cancel your once in a lifetime family holiday to Florida that you had been saving for a decade and got no refund and now you live off rice and pot noodles? If I’m still coughing tomorrow morning, for the sake of your children, I'd best stay at home

2. Little Jimmy just fell off his unsafely high rocking horse

You know that really high rocking horse I told you about this morning that I bought my son 3 years ago but had conveniently never mentioned? Well he just fell off it. Social services are keeping him captive until i remove the offending toy. I'm lost without my son Sheila

I've managed to book a rarely available rocking horse removal team to come to the house tomorrow. I'd best stay at home

3. Oh crap. Food poisoning!

Did anyone else eat Chef Sheila's mushrooms? No? Thank the lord. 5 minutes post tongue touch I was on the crapper. I'm sending you this message from the toilet. If I spend more time shitting than sleeping tonight, I'd best stay at home